JCC Author Series Presents Dan Zevin
Tuesday, March 4, 7pm / Holzman Auditorium
Dan Zevin, master of “Seinfeld-ian nothingness” (Time), is trying his best to make the transition from couplehood to familyhood.
Can You Relate? Here is one of the latest posts from Dan’s blog:
It’s been almost two years since I stuffed my family into a minivan and boldly left Brooklyn for the ‘burbs. Such journeys are never easy, but today, I am a proud citizen of the United States of Suburbia. I know what you are thinking. “Dan, you are a pioneer; an explorer; a brave and inspiring Suburbanaut. Please, share your wisdom with us so that we may forward it to all of our city-slicking friends who swore they’d never leave, but now find themselves suddenly suburban.”
And to you I say this: You have come to the right guy.
DAN ZEVIN’S TIPS FOR NEW SUBURBANITES
- When you first move to the suburbs, it may be difficult to meet lots of people, so focus on making even one friend who has a pool.
- Building contractors who say they can start the job on Wednesday are talking about a different Wednesday than you are.
- The four phases of suburban lawn care are: old-school push mower, gas-guzzling power mower, high school student, gardener.
- For the price of one meatball at that trendy “charcuterie” in the city, you can buy the whole cow at Costco
- Love thy neighbor, but know it is easier to love thy neighbor when thy neighbor resurfaces his driveway and thusly increases thy real estate values.
- The longer you deny your desire for a stainless steel gas barbecue grill with flush-mounted side burners, the longer it will be until you free your inner suburbanite and lead a fulfilling existence.
- If your city friends don’t visit you within the first seven months of your suburban stay, they are not going to visit you.
- As you settle into a family friendly lifestyle and the comforts of your own home, remember: there is a fine line between a happy suburban couple curled up on the couch and two carcasses who’ve fallen asleep to the same Netflix movie they’ve tried to watch for five Saturday nights in a row.
- Show me someone who says they could never move to the suburbs because it means they’ve have to drive everywhere, and I’ll show you someone who’s never stood next to a guy on a rush hour subway who picked his nose and wiped the boogie on the pole they were holding.
- You’re either on the minivan or off the minivan.